Proceed with caution: Sense of Humor required!
Al's Wedding-related jokes and one-liners.
Go back to Joke index
Proceed with caution: Sense of Humor required!Al's Wedding-related jokes and one-liners.
Go back to Joke index |
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FACT: In 1976 a Los Angeles secretary named Jannene Swift officially married a 50-pound rock. The ceremony was witnessed by more than 20 people.
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REMEMBER: No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
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Q: Why do bachelors like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
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Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know - it's never happened.
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Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.
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Q:Why did God put men on earth?
A:Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
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Q: Why are women so bad at judging distances?
A: Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and
forefinger) is 12 inches.
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Q: A:What is the only time a man will think about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.
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Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: Sex is always better with someone you love.
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Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.
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Q: Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds ?
A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
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Man: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"
After he delivers his pick-up line: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
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Remember: It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
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Q: What do men and tile floors have in common?
A: If you lay them well, you can walk on them for years.
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Q: Why is sex with someone new like a snow storm?
A: Because you never know when it will come, how deep it will be or how long it will last.
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Q: Why are lifesavers better than men?
A: They come in five flavors.
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Q: Why are men like trains?
A: They always stop before you get off.
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HIM: "Why don't you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?"
HER: "Because you're never home when it happens."
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The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with a bad attitude.
During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door ajar. Everyone listened as he peed.
Embarrassed, his wife called out, "John, would you please close the door!"
John's partner said, "Never mind, it's the first time since we started playing that I've known what the man has in his hand."
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Several years ago the US Army funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took 2 years and cost of $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was
to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, N.O.W. decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the federal study were incorrect. After three years of research and costs in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide men with more pleasure during sex.
Not long after, the national marketing director of Hooter's (faced with a threatened OSHA inquiry) decided to conduct their own study. Over the course of one weekend, (and a net profit of $2200 in tips) their study found that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying up and hitting him in the forehead.
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Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.
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Q: Why are men like parking spaces?
A: The good ones are taken and the ones left over are handicapped.
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Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.
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Q: Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?
A: They are cute. They are sweet. and if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off.
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Q: What's the difference between a Savings Bond and the typical male?
A: At some point, the Savings Bond will mature !
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A perfect wife: helps the husband with the dishes.
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ADAM TO EVE: Hey! I wear the plants in this family!
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My wife once asked her small-chested sister why she never wore a bra.
Her sister replied, "If you didn't have feet, would you wear socks?"
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Q: Why is it more important for women to be pretty rather than smart?
A: Because men can see better than the they can think.
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Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children but it's the men who play with them.
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Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish...
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Q: Why can't Barbie get pregnant?
A: Because Ken comes in a different box!
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Did you hear about the bachelor who put on a pair of clean socks every day?
At the end of the week he couldn't get his shoes on.
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HER: Do you know whatever happened to the couple who met in the revolving door?
HIM: I think they're still going around together.
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Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married?
A: Newlywebs.
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Q: Whatever happened to the bedbugs who fell in love?
A: They got married in the spring.
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Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and an expert at making breakfast.
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Q: What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant lady?
A: You can't unscrew a pregnant lady! ;)
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Q: Why does it take 500 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because they won't stop to ask directions.
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Three words guaranteed to destroy any man's ego: "Is it In?"
The three words most hated by men (after "Is it in?): Are you done?
Three words women hate to hear when having sex...
"Honey, I'm home!"
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A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. "Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?" The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."
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A fireman and his wife were bored with their sex life, so he tries to think of ways fuel the fire. One day at the fire house he's thinking about the "bell system." The way the bell system at the firehouse works, when bell one rings, they all run out to the trucks. On bell two, they gear up. On bell three they jump on the trucks and head to the fire.
The fireman goes home and tells his wife, "Honey, I know what we can do to spruce up our sex life!"
"What?"
"Use the bell system like at the firehouse, but a little different. When I call 'bell one', you run into the bedroom. When I call 'bell two', you take your clothes off, and when I call 'bell three', hop on the bed and we'll do it."
The next evening he comes home hollering, "Bell one!" and she runs into the bedroom. He hollers, "Bell two!" and she takes her clothes off. He yells, "Bell three!" and she hops on the bed and he hops on
her.
While they're mingling, she yells, "Bell four! Bell four!"
Husband asks, "What the hell's ‘bell four'?"
"More hose! More hose! You're nowhere near the fire!"
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Three women are talking about their love lives.
The first one says, "My husband is an architect. When we make love it has power, it has form, it has function. It's incredible!"
The second one says, "My husband is an artist. When we make love it has passion, it has emotion, it has vision. It's wonderful!"
The third woman sighs, "My husband works for Microsoft. When we make love, he just sits at the end of the bed and
tells me how great it's going to be when it gets here."
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INTEROFFICE MEMO: (reportedly real)
Subject: Mmm-mmn-good
A woman at our interactive advertising agency had recently returned from her maternity leave when she sent the following e-mail:
Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in the refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to it. I would find it forever after difficult to meet your gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a discussion about java applets or brand identity. Just be aware that that milk was EXPRESSLY for my son if you get my drift. I will label these things from now on, but if you found your coffee tasted just a little bit unusual this morning, you might think about calling your mom and telling her you love her.
ALsMUSIC is located in Ames, Iowa. Owner, Al Weltha, supplies
superior disc jockey entertainment for wedding receptions and
other events state-wide. More about list
editor, Al Weltha. |
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