Proceed with caution: Sense of Humor required!
Al's Wedding-related jokes and one-liners.
Go back to Joke index
Proceed with caution: Sense of Humor required!Al's Wedding-related jokes and one-liners.
Go back to Joke index |
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Here's to the wings of love
May they never shed a feather
Until at the end of the night
Your pants shall hang together.
Marriage should be like work,
Easy to love at best
and best if it is easy to love - dufus@netwizard.net.au
--
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the hoose exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats come off of me fly I canny button me pants. "
"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what in hells name happened to you? Did
you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye" says Angus.."I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in...
--
Love is blind, but marriage can be a real eye-opener.
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A rhetorical question only a married man can appreciate: If a man stands alone in the forest, and there are no women around to hear him speak, is he still WRONG?
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All perfect marriages are made up of couples who accept the fact that they have an imperfect marriage.
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No one in love is free, or wants to be.
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Do not marry a person that you know you can live with;
only marry someone that you cannot live without.
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Marriages are made in heaven. But, remember, so are thunder and lightning.
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FACT: At any given time, there are 1,800 thunderstorms in progress over the earth's atmosphere.
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The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders. -- Linda Festa
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Marriage: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all two. --Ambrose Bierce
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Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should begin with science and end with a settlement. -- Oscar Wilde
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Courtship: Is like looking at the beautiful photos in a seed catalog.
Marriage: Is what actually comes up in your garden.
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Success is getting what you want.
Happiness is wanting what you get.
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Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result of being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings. -- Dave Barry
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The length of a minute depends on which side of a bathroom door you're standing on.
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The most effective way to remember your spouse's birthday is to forget it once..
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Some people are so determined to find blissful happiness that they overlook a lifetime of contentment.
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A true music lover is a man who puts his ear to the key hole to listen to a beautiful woman singing in the tub.
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Did you hear about the Norwegian who liked his wife so much, he considered telling her?
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Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
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The only good thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.
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Love, I find, is like singing. Everyone can do enough to satisfy themselves, though it may not impress the neighbors as being very much. -- Zora Neale Hurston
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There are some who feel it is inappropriate to make fun of the holy institution of marriage.
Then there are others who know it's the only way we can live with it.
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A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.
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Our real world dictionary defines a pessimist as an optimist with experience.
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What's the difference between a vision and a sight?
When my wife gets dressed up for a party she looks like a vision and when she wakes up in the morning she's a sight.
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My wife only has 2 complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.
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Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
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Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
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Q: What's the best way to get a youthful figure?
A: Ask a woman her age.
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Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
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Some people think life begins at conception, while others think life begins at birth. But some believe that life begins when the kid moves out and the dog he left behind dies.
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At bedtime, the amorous husband prepared two aspirins and a glass of water for his wife.
"What is this for?"
"For you headache, dear."
"But I don't have a headache."
"Good."
--
Husband <nuzzling>: "Want to get a little more . . comfortable?"
Wife: "hey, not tonight, cause I've got an appointment tomorrow with my gyno and I want to be 'fresh,' okay?"
Husband: "Okay, I understand. Uh, when's your next dentist appointment?"
--
Consider this: Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
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Remember: Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
and
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
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The difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend, and a wife?
The prostitute says "That'll be $100."
The girlfriend says "Oh, baby! I love you, I love you, I love you!"
The wife says "Beige. Yeah. Beige. I'll paint the ceiling beige."
--
Customer#1: "Don't put any sweet stuff on me. My wife'll think I've been to a whore house."
Customer#2: "You can put as much as you want on me. My wife has never been to a whore house!"
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Her husband has been slipping in and out for a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck."
--
An architect, an artist and a programmer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.
Architect: "I enjoy time with my wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship."
Artist: "I enjoy time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery we share."
Programmer: "I prefer to have both."
"Both?"
Programmer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."
--
A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase, "Honey."
"Yes, darling?"
"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."
"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?"
"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for you. But for heaven's sake, give me more than ONE!"
--
A psychologist was giving a lecture on happy marriages, and was talking about the role that sex plays in marital harmony.
To make a point, he first asked his audience:
"How many of you have sex more than three times a week"?
A sizable number of hands were raised.
"How many have sex at least twice a week"?
Another sizable number of hands went up.
He continued: "Once a week? ... More than twice a month? ... Once a
month? ... More than eight times a year? ... More than four times a
year? ... More than twice a year?"
Each time a fewer number of hands were raised.
Then he asked: "Once a year"?
Only one hand was raised, and the man who raised it was waving his arms
but still grinning widely.
"You only have sex once a year"?
The man nodded happily.
"Then what are you so happy about"?
The man yelled "Tonight's the night"!!!
--
Far and wide, far and wide, I can walk with you beside; Furthermore, I tell you what, I sit and sulk where you are not. Visitors remark my frown When you're upstairs and I am down, Yes, and I'm afraid I pout When I'm indoors and you are out; But how contentedly I view Any room containing you. In fact I care not where you be, Just as long as it's with me. In all you absences I glimpse Fire and flood and trolls and imps. Is your train a minute slothful? I goad the station master wrothful. When with friends to bridge you drive I never know if you're alive, And when you linger late in shops I long to telephone the cops. Yet how worth the waiting for, To see you coming through the door. Somehow, I can be complacent Never but with you adjacent. Near and far, near and far, I am happy where you are. Likewise, I have never learnt How to be it where you aren't. Then grudge me not my fond endeavor, To hold you in my sight forever; Let none, not even you, disparage Such valid reason for a marriage. --Ogden Nash
ALsMUSIC is located in Ames, Iowa. Owner, Al Weltha, supplies
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