Proceed with caution: Sense of Humor required!
Al's Wedding-related jokes and one-liners.
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Proceed with caution: Sense of Humor required!Al's Wedding-related jokes and one-liners.
Go back to Joke index |
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"She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one."
- Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiance
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I met the perfect women once...
Sadly, she was looking for the perfect man!!!!!!!!
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A Relationship of Convenience?
FACT: After Albert Einstein had been at Princeton for some months, local news hounds discovered that a twelve-year-old girl happened to stop by the Einstein home almost every afternoon. The girl's mother hadn't thought to ask Einstein about the situation until the newspapers reported it, but when she got the opportunity after that she did so. What could her daughter and Einstein have in common that they spent so much time together? Einstein replied simply, "She brings me cookies and I do her arithmetic homework."
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Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: ...because it's always good for the dishwasher to match the fridge and stove.
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Bachelor: -- A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
-- A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
-- A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction.
-- A man who never makes the same mistake once.
-- A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
-- A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
-- A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
-- The only kind of man who has never told his wife a lie.
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(anonymous from: 204.30.146.170)
1. Put the seat back down when you're done.
2. Never hog the blankets.
3. Don't drink straight from the carton. it's rude (apparently)
4. Roll from the bottom, not squeeze from the middle
5. Turn your own socks right-side-out of you want them washed that way
6. Flatulence does nothing for ‘the mood’
7. Don't clip your toenails in bed
8. Use your own toothbrush
9. Reds are considered darks, not lights
10. No cameras in the bathroom
11. Never belch and pretend that it was a hiccup
12. Never drink all of the OJ 'cept for a few drops and put the pitcher back in the fridge
13. Don't expect a kiss if you ate garlic for lunch
14. Never sit around in underwear only
15. Don't use the last of the TP and then pretend you didn't notice. the same goes for Kleenex, don't leave an empty box sitting there
16. Don't pick your earwigs at the table, and Jesus, don't smell your finger afterwards either
17. Discourage the 'there's still some left' game with the shower soap. go get a new bar when it gets low
Also, a few suggestions to consider.. these are items that don't necessarily fit into the category of ‘things that encourage domestic harmony’ but they can help you keep an edge to your sanity. Thus, for the sake of self-preservation (and by extension, the betterment of the couple), I offer these additional words of wisdom.
1. discourage nagging by answering ‘yes, dear’ to all prompts. the topic of discussion is irrelevant. apply as needed, but be ready to duck.
2. roll over your end of the blankets to retain possession of your share before you fall to sleep.
3. convince your partner that you have bad hearing. ask him or her to repeat the question at intermittent intervals. this strategy will prove to be extremely useful if you ever need to stall for time.
4. make the most of a snoring partner by keeping a bottle of bubbles near your bed. note: you can extend your playtime by applying the bubble wand on the exhale, not the inhale (this also works with a harmonica.. for shorter periods though).
--SOME SAY: A bachelor is a man who prefers the ball without the chain.
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Confucius say: Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
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THE MEN'S ROOM WALL SAYS: "Never turn your back on anything that can bleed for five days and live."
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The best way to fight a woman is with your hat...grab it and run! -John Barrymore.
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The only thing worse than being a bachelor is being a bachelor's son.
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The difference between a mistress and a wife is the difference between day and night.
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Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. -- Cass Daley
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Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in.
...Benjamin Franklin
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They say that love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
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Q: How do you make 6 pounds of fat attractive?
A: Put a nipple on it.
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Q: How is an all-night stud different from a premature ejaculator?
A: One is good for seconds, the other is good for seconds
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A cocktail party is an affair where a mans gets stiff, a woman gets tight, and they return home to find that neither is either.
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"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution." -- Mae West
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QUESTION FOR THE RELUCTANT BACHELOR: How's your love life...still holding your own?
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Q: Why is sex like winning at bridge?
A: You either need a good partner or a good hand.
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Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would we know when to stop?
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*Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting enough.
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Did you hear about the bulimic bachelor party where the cake came out of the girl?
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They say man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is truly finished. --Zsa Zsa Gabor
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When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couples smiles, everyone wonders why.
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Q: What did the bra say to the hat?
A: You go on ahead, I'm gonna give these two a lift.
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The perfect t-shirt to get their attention: "Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!"
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Two little boys were playing together when a cute, curly-haired girl walked by.
"You know something? When I stop hating girls, I think I'll stop hating that one first!"
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Pinnochio's girlfriend complained that he was giving her splinters during their love-making.
He went to the carpenter who made him and asked what he could do about it. "Sandpaper my boy," the old carpenter said. "Use some sandpaper."
A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinnochio again and asked, "So how are you getting on with the girls now, Pinoke?"
"Girls? Who needs girls?"
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Sexist dictionary: WIFE -- An attachment you screw on the bed to get the house work done!
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Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and a very thin woman?
A: The counterfeit bill is a phoney buck.
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Courtship Finesse (pickup lines)
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says......
.
.
.
.
(GET READY FOR THIS)
.
.
. (ARE YA' READY???)
.
.
.
............"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
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A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, is this seat taken?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm
studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
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A group of married guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together. The youngest, concerned about keeping the fire burning at home asks, "What do you guys do to keep your wives aroused?"
"Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that makes her moan."
Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"
Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through, I climb outta bed and wipe my johnson on the curtains. Drives her freaking nuts!"
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This joke was told by the father of the bride at the wedding reception:
I first met Glen when he came to work for me in one of our restaurants. After a few weeks, he approached me and said "Chris, you're a man of the world, how do you attract the attention of a girl you fancy?"
I had no idea that the girl in question was my daughter, so I said, "Look Glen, go into the kitchen, find yourself a couple of nice sized potatoes, and stick 'em in your underpants."
A week went by before I saw him again, and I shouted across the kitchen, "Hey Glen, how's your love life going?"
He ambled towards me sullenly and muttered "Well, to tell you the truth,
things have got worse since I took your advice."
I took one look at him, and immediately saw the problem. "Glen", I said, "the potatoes are supposed to go in the front." <chatd@mail.icomnet.com>
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Jack decides to go skiing with his buddy Bob. They load up Jack's station-wagon and head north. After driving for a few hours, they get caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pull into a nearby farmhouse and ask the attractive lady of the house if they can spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack says, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack gets a letter from the widow's attorney. He calls up his friend Bob and says, "Bob, do you remember that good looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks a lot, pal...she just died and left me her farm."
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Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin."
"Not a problem...after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin, too."
Damn, Sam thinks...tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear to the party?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us."
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And remember guys: while sex using a condom may be like taking a shower in a raincoat, sex without a condom is like taking a bath with the toaster.
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ALsMUSIC is located in Ames, Iowa. Owner, Al Weltha, supplies
superior disc jockey entertainment for wedding receptions and
other events state-wide. More about list
editor, Al Weltha. |
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