Proceed with caution: Sense of Humor required!
Al's Wedding-related jokes and one-liners.
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Proceed with caution: Sense of Humor required!Al's Wedding-related jokes and one-liners.
Go back to Joke index |
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Like it or not, since the days of "Candy is dandy . . . " alcohol and love have gone hand in hand.
If you do not imbibe (or, at least grudgingly, approve), please skip this section immediately.
| As you might imagine, as a party DJ, I get to witness a lot of the tawdry side of social celebration. I don't drink. Well, not very much. The times I do things that would embarrass me when I'm sober are very, very rare. But I am usually am able to keep a sense of humor -- it is good for people to be able to stop trying to be perfect for a little while every now and then. Sometimes people exceed themselves in their stupidity, however, and that is often a little sad. I think the humor in the following story reflects my viewpoint: -- Al |
After discharging the last patient in the ER, I started for the sleep
room at about 2AM. The nurse told me a moderately intoxicated man was
coming in with a stuck contact lens. She offered to take it out with a
suction lens remover and have me sign the chart in the morning. Half
an hour later the ringing telephone at the bedside told me she hadn't
succeeded.
Examination of the patient's eyes produced an immediate explanation:
Neither eye had a contact lens in it. The patient had tried
unsuccessfully to remove his cornea with his fingernails, and the
nurse had failed to improve the situation with the suction cup.
Unpersuaded by the facts, the patient repeatedly grasped his cornea
between his thumb and middle fingernails and pulled until his grip
slipped off the tented membrane. Each attempt produced the same
exclamation, "Goddamn, that hurts. See, I can get it out to here but
it always pops back. "
Finally, I asked to see his contact lens case. I showed him the lenses
in his case and asked, "Whose lenses are these?" Only then did he
reluctantly admit he must have taken them out and forgotten.
Two Tylenol 3's got him through the night. A follow up exam the next
day revealed normal vision, healing corneal abrasions, a large
subconjunctival hemorrhage, and an ugly hangover.
Excerpt from the book EMERGENCY! True Stories from the Nation s ERs
By Mark Brown, M.D.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits
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The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --William Butler Yeats
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You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin
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Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. --Anonymous
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields
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Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
His reply: Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a double shot of bourbon. He downs it then reaches into his pocket and
pulls out a picture. He stares at the picture for a moment then puts it away and orders another double. After downing that drink, he proceeds to pull out the picture and examine it before putting it away and ordering another double.
This goes on for about 4 rounds of drinks before the bartender asks him what's going on. "Well," the guy says, "This is a picture of my wife. When she starts to look good, I'm going home."
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Australian Wedding at a sheep farm, big old marquis in the yard and the groom goes up to the bride's father and says: "Sorry cobber, the wedding off. You've run out of beer and some joker's upstairs screwing the bride". A few minutes later he returns saying: " It's ok, blue, the wedding's back on. Someone's turned up with a load of grog and the bloke who was screwing the bride's apologized" !!
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Two friends are chatting over the phone.
"Let's have a little party, I'll bring two chicks with me, how'bout that?"
"Cool, how are the chicks?"
"Mine is cute, yours ... She'll be OK when you are drunk."
In the evening the door bell rings, the man opens the door and his friend introduces "Ok, this one mine, and this one is yours."
" ... I can't drink that much!" says the man.
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A doctor used to visit the same bar every day and order the same drink day in/day out. "Fix me an almond Daiquiri, Dick!" the fellow asked. "Coming right up!". This was the way it went for years on end.
Finally one day, the bartender realized there were no more almonds anywhere in his inventory, and his customer was waiting anxiously at the bar for his favorite beverage. In a hurry, he figured that he could use a hickory nut, crush it up, the man would never know the difference. Well, the doctor took a sip of the drink and said "Is this an almond Daiquiri, Dick?". "Well, no, it's a hickory Daiquiri, Doc."
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A drunk was walking down the street holding his car keys in his hand. He spied a policeman and said "You gotta help me oshifer, someone has shtolen my car." The policeman replied "Well, where was it the last time you saw it?". "Right here on the end of thish key" answered the drunk.
"Well,"responded the officer,"You are going to have to go down to the station house and fill out a Stolen Vehicle Report. But before you do, you'd better zip up your fly." The drunk looked down to his unzipped pants and exclaimed "Oh m'god, they got my girl too."
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Two women went out for a night on the town. On their walk home, at the end of a long, lonely, alcohol-filled evening, they took a short cut through a pasture and became lost. They split up to try and find the road home on their own. One of the lushes finally doubles back only to stumble upon the other, flat on her back under the business end of a milk cow. Her friend screamed, "what are you doing?"
The other lush says, "shut up, with all these guys here, one of them is sure to give us a ride home".
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Two coworkers, Ed and Tom, would go the bar every Friday night for a few beers after work. Ed always stayed while Tom would go home after two or three beers.
One week they met at the bar as usual. Ed asked Tom " why do you always leave after two or three beers?"
" I have to. My wife would make my life miserable if I stayed out all night and came home drunk! I don"t how you do it! You're married! What's your secret?"
" Well when I go home, I give oral sex to my wife. She wakes up in the morning extremely happy, and even makes me breakfast!"
Inspired, Tom stayed at the bar that night and went home drunk. He snuck straight up to bed, not forgetting to do his oral duty. He was so well received that afterwards he decided to go downstairs for another beer to celebrate his ingenuity. He stumbled smugly back down the stairs, only to find his wife sitting at the kitchen table playing solitaire, "Tom honey you have to be very quiet, Mother is staying over and I let her have our room."
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ALsMUSIC is located in Ames, Iowa. Owner, Al Weltha, supplies
superior disc jockey entertainment for wedding receptions and
other events state-wide. More about list
editor, Al Weltha. |
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