Proceed with caution: Sense of Humor required!
Al's Wedding-related jokes and one-liners.
Go back to Joke index
Proceed with caution: Sense of Humor required!Al's Wedding-related jokes and one-liners.
Go back to Joke index |
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The reason the dog is known as man's best friend is probably because he gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no In-Laws.
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Husband: I know you are having a lot of trouble with the baby, Dear, but keep in mind, "the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world."
Wife: How about taking over the world for a few hours while I go shopping?
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A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
Then the Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
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A little boy and his truck driving dad were in line at the grocery store behind a very large woman. The woman's pager went off, the little boy said :
"WATCH OUT DAD SHE'S BACKING UP !"
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When met by a long procession of people led by a man with a dog, Joe asked the man, "Who died?"
"My Mother in law."
"How?"
"The dog bit her."
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
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A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher. "Are you a friend of the bride?" he asked. "Certainly not," she snapped, "I'm the groom's mother."
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A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
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The best thing about being bald: when her folks come home, all you have to do is straighten your tie.
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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
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What is the penalty for bigamy? -Two mothers-in-law.
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It's rumored that the Bride's dad keeps a set of golf clubs in the trunk so if his car breaks down he can still drive it home.
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Q: How do you know when you're at a hillbilly wedding?
A: Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.
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My wife was having "one of those days" where nothing seemed to go right. She kept dropping everything she grabbed. In exasperation, she finally exclaimed, "Son of a b*tch!"
Our son opened his door, stuck out his head and grinned, "You called for me, mom?"
Her aim and grip after she picked up the dropped object was much improved.
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Of course, the boy is ecstatic. He takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy patiently. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for your to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
Time passes, and MORE time. Finally the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
He hisses back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
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Bible Study Group
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."
"Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment."
Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you
only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"
A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."
"Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."
"That"s wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.
But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."
Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-laws home?"
"Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"
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Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went in to breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and have a present for me. But she didn't even say "Good Morning" let alone say "happy birthday".
I thought to myself, "Oh well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, Janet, my secretary, said "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday," and I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon she knocked on my door and said "You know, its such a beautiful day. Since it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where I normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We each had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office she
said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we? I said "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go by my apartment and I will fix you another martini."
We went to her apartment, we enjoyed another martini and smoked a cigarette, and she said "Boss, if you don't mind, I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable", and I allowed her
as I didn't mind at all.
She went into the bedroom and in six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children. All were singing Happy Birthday.
And there I was with nothing on but my socks.
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ALsMUSIC is located in Ames, Iowa. Owner, Al Weltha, supplies
superior disc jockey entertainment for wedding receptions and
other events state-wide. More about list
editor, Al Weltha. |
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