Proceed with caution: Sense of Humor required!
Al's Wedding-related jokes and one-liners.
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Proceed with caution: Sense of Humor required!Al's Wedding-related jokes and one-liners.
Go back to Joke index |
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Spotted on a t-shirt: "The older I get, the better I was."
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Remember: You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
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Forty: the age when a man starts to get thin at the top while his wife starts to get thick at the bottom. or . . . . . .
when you learn that a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
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GROWING OLD GRACEFULLY: My wife is just as beautiful as when I married her 20 years ago. Now it just takes her longer.
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The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. --Lucille Ball
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The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. --H. L. Mencken
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When you are young, women tell you, "Look but do not touch." As you get older you hear just the opposite.
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You know you're getting old when: It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.
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An obviously wealthy businessman from out of town stopped in to the local whorehouse and asked for the rottenest lay in the
place. The madam was amazed, and said, "Sir, you obviously could afford a highly skillful centerfold, you don't need some rank amateur."
"No, no, you misunderstand," he answered. "I'm not horny, I'm just homesick."
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A old man sitting on the nursing home porch in the spring sunlight turns to the old man sitting next to him and chuckles, "Spring days like this really take me back. Do you remember the first time you made love to your wife?"
"Heck", says the other fellow, "I don't remember the LAST time."
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An elderly couple was sitting on their porch rocking back and forth looking at the sunset on their 60th anniversary. The husband looks at his wife and asks, "Darling, whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
She thought a while and replied, "I'm not certain, dear. They didn't even send us a card last Christmas."
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Hear about the 90 year old man who went streaking past two old ladies?
One lady asked "What was that?"
The other said "I don't know but it needed ironing."
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Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't ?
A: Her navel.
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While on a car trip, the old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived,
as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."
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An elderly man was walking down the street when he saw a frog. The frog said " Old man, if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess, I'll be yours forever, and we can make passionate love every night." The man put the frog in his pocket and continued walking. The frog said "Hey, I don't think you heard me, I said if you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful princess and we can make passionate love every night." The man took the frog out of his pocket and said "I heard you, but at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."
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A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love...At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon
when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then, at supper time, and all night long, we make love."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him.
"I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The old man bawls through his tears, "I can't remember where I live!"
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Did you hear about the <insert favorite target ethnic group here> man who locked his keys in his car?
It took him a week to get his wife out!
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An old geezer and his wife are out driving, when a police officer pulls him over. "What seems to be the trouble young man?" asks the geezer.
"Didn't you notice that your wife fell out of the car back there?"
"Why, naw, I didn't son. Thanks for telling me, tho. I thought I'd gone deaf."
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An old man was about to celebrate his 90th birthday. His family and friends decided to chip in, and have a prostitute show up in his Nursing Home Room.
The birthday arrives, and a scantily-clad, gum-snapping, hip-swinging blonde shows up in his doorway. He slowly looks up at her: "What are YOU doing here"?
The gal says "I'm here to give you SUPER SEX.!!!!!"
After a pause, the old man brightens,"I'll have the SOUP!"
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The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age I should be thinking about the hereafter.
I told him I do -- all the time. No matter where I am -- in the parlor, upstairs in the kitchen or down in the basement -- I find I'm always asking myself - "Now what am I here after?"
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20th ANNIVERSARY
A couple was getting ready to go out to celebrate their 20th anniversary when the wife comes out in the teddy she wore on her wedding nite. She asks her husband what were his exact thoughts 20 years ago when he first saw her in that teddy.
He said, "I only wanted to suck your tits dry and then fuck your brains out.
She said, "Well, so what are you thinking tonight?"
He said, "I'm thinking I did a good job."
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"How do you account for your longevity?" asked the reporter on Harold's one-hundred-and-tenth birthday.
"You might call me a health nut," Harold replied. "I have never smoked or drunk. I was always in bed and sound asleep by ten o'clock. And I've always walked three miles a day, rain or shine."
"But I had an uncle who followed that exact routine and died when he was 62," said the reporter. "How come it didn't work for him?"
"All I can say, "replied Harold, "Is that he didn't keep it up long enough."
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"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago, ..." the man started.
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning," the doctor replied. The man began again, "Like I was saying, 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, 'No, everything is fine.' 'Are you sure?' she asked. I told her I was sure. 'Isn't there anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know. 'I reckon not,' I replied."
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "but what does this story have to do with your leg?" The farmhand explained, "Well, this morning, when it finally dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
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An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that when the bar
closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in
bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling, thinking:
The old man is thinking.....
"Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."
The old lady is thinking......
"Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."
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RETIREMENT
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when of its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I have a full time job,
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
As old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang it's withered head,
And watch me tie my shoes.
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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor
asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year
old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think
about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell
you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed
a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally
grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly
bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it
at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must
have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
--
Condoms
A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the some comes across
the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well
son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having
sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why does it have
three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for
Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday. The son then picks up one
with six condoms and asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those
are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for
Sunday." The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same
question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for
January, one for February, one for March......"
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The Little Boy and the Old Man
Said the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon."
Said the little old man, "I do that too."
The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."
"I do that too," laughed the old man.
Said the little boy, "I often cry."
The old man nodded. "So do I."
"But worst of all," said the boy, "it seems
Grown-ups don't pay attention to me."
And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
"I know what you mean," said the little old man.
-- Shel Silverstein
ALsMUSIC is located in Ames, Iowa. Owner, Al Weltha, supplies
superior disc jockey entertainment for wedding receptions and
other events state-wide. More about list
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